I don’t consider myself an angry person. I personally have gone through life threatening illnesses which one does not go through without changing their perspective on life. These experiences have helped me to realize what is truly important and to let go of those “little things” that we all experience and although may be irritating, they no longer upset me. I do not want to waste my time in life being angry over little things. But having to mother my mother makes me angry.
My mother has either dementia or Alzheimer’s. Her doctors have not been able to pin point exactly which of these ugly diseases that she has and really, I don’t care about the official name that is stripping away at my mom, which is one of the many things that I’m angry about. I am angry that I’m slowly losing my mother.
I am also angry because she feels dumb.
My mother can no longer make herself something to eat. The other day she wanted a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She correctly put some peanut butter on one side of a piece of bread and correctly put jam on the other. However, when she assembled her sandwich, instead of placing the two pieces of bread together with the peanut butter and jelly touching, she placed the jellied bread on top of the peanut buttered bread with the jelly exposed on the top.
When I went to help her and explain why I needed to re-arrange her sandwich, she exclaimed,
Dumb.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! I am so dumb!
This is only a small sampling about the things that she can no longer do without assistance.
She can no longer brush her teeth without help. We do this together every morning and every night.
She has forgotten how to turn the tv on.
She can no longer write.
Anything.
Not even her own name.
And she knows it.
And she feels dumb.
I could go on and on about her accomplishments and why I have looked up to her for years because my mother is not dumb. So having her feel so dumb?
That makes me angry.
I’m angry at how much of herself she has lost
People are the sum total from all of their experiences in life. Along with these experiences, it’s also a persons likes and dislikes that makes them who they are and this is a part that is also slipping away from my mom.
While she can remember some experiences, she is forgetting the things that she has loved during her life and and I find myself struggling with that.
Recently my mother and I have been on two road trips together. It was a great time to be out of the house, (my mom lives with my husband and me), to have a change of scenery and to have some quality one-on-one time with her.
Now when on the road, McDonald’s is never my first choice of fast food but we went there on both of our trips. Why? Because I know there’s something they serve that my mother loves.
Even though she doesn’t remember.
A Filet-O-Fish sandwich.
When she took her first bite of one on this trip, she remarked “Wow. These are so good! I don’t think I’ve ever had one of these before. Are they new?”
I can’t even begin to count how many Filet-O-Fish sandwiches I’ve seen my mother eat in my lifetime. She loves them. I mean, really LOVES them.
So I will continue to take her to McDonald’s and we will eat a Filet-O-Fish sandwich together. Because even though she may not remember, I remember. I remember that she also loves chocolate covered cherries, Neil Diamond, Campbell’s Tomato Soup, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and she LOVES to watch tennis, golf and baseball. I want to remember her likes and dislikes because it makes me feel like I am spending time with the mother that I know and love.
I’m angry that she feels scared.
While we were visiting our family in Phoenix, my mom came to me and told me she was scared. Sometimes when she gets scared, she shakes uncontrollably and often times that escalates into a full blown panic attack. She was scared to go to bed and said that she didn’t sleep well at all the night before.
At first she couldn’t verbalize why she was afraid but I finally figured out that she was feeling scared because she couldn’t remember how to pull the covers down and crawl into bed. So the night before, she slept on top of all the covers. No wonder why she didn’t sleep well. She asked me if I could help her into bed and the next night she slept much better.
Being fearful and feeling scared is an awful, awful feeling and I hate that she feels this way. I know that when I am scared, my heart races and I have had experiences where I have been in utter terror. I know that when she is confused that she feels this same way and it is heartbreaking to watch. Sometimes I will put my arms around her so that hopefully she can feel of my strength and peace and that it might calm her fears.
Just this morning she confided to me that her cell phone scares her. When I pressed her to tell me why, it was because she can’t figure out how to use it and that increases her anxiety.
I’m angry at myself.
I could go on and on about other things about this disease that makes me angry. Don’t even get me started at the anger I feel at myself when I give in to some irritation with her and I am less than patient.
My mother certainly didn’t ask for this to happen to her and it’s not her choice to have to be dependent on others for her every need. In fact, I know she hates asking for help and it angers me when I don’t give her the respect she deserves. The little irritation that I feel is way less than what she is going through. So much anger on so many levels.
At the end of writing this post, it is now late at night and it’s time to help my mother.
Mom? It’s time to brush your teeth. C’mon, let’s get you taken care of.
What? Yes, I will help you into bed tonight.
My anger, for now, is gone.
Sadness fills its place.
Sherri, Debbie, Mom and Tracy
Bless your heart, Debbie. You’re doing a remarkable thing. Caretaking isn’t easy, no matter what disease your mom (or dad) is dealing with.
After my great-aunt got dementia, she fell, broke her hip and wound up in a nursing home because my uncle was simply unable to care for her physically at that point. He was in her room all day every single day and whenever anyone suggested that he should leave and get some rest because she didn’t know him anyway, he always replied “But I know her.” Eventually, he wound up simply moving into the nursing home, into her room. Once, when I visited, he went to eat his lunch, and my aunt said. “You know, that is the nicest man. I don’t know who he is, but he is just so nice.” I found that so encouraging, to know that love could still shine through, at least sometimes.
You’ll have bittersweet memories – but you will know that you showed her all the love you could.
Hi Connie, Thanks so much for your kind words. I loved where you wrote that love can still shine through because I know that will be in my future, when my mother no longer remembers me and my sisters. I will need to remember that on the hard days. I’m so glad that you took a moment to comment. It made my day!
Thanks for this very poignant post. I am going through something similar with my mom and I hate when I am impatient with my mom. I get angry when my siblings just say “can I talk to Mom” when we answer the phone and don’t think to tell my wonderful husband ‘thank you” for all he does on a daily basis for our mom. Would it be too much for them to send him a $10 Starbuck’s gift card so he can take a little break and have a treat??? It’s not that we can’t afford going out, but it would be nice o have a little acknowledgment that he doesn’t have to do all that he does but he does because we’re here and they’re not.
It’s hard being human sometimes isn’t it? Even though I know the immense struggle that my mother is having, I still get irritated sometimes and I hate it! And I can certainly relate about my hubby. I didn’t even address that in my post but very few men would allow their mother-in-law living with them, let alone having a mother-in-law with Alzheimer’s. My husband is a saint and treats my mother SO kindly and sometimes I thinks she loves him more than me! We are both so lucky to have these men who are giants in my mind.
Oh heartbreaking. I admire those of you that can take their parents into their home and give them the care they want. You will be blessed, even in your time of weakness, you are awesome!
Hi Jody! Yes we are going to try and keep her with us as along as we can. A thanks so much for your sweet comment.
Thank you for that thoughtful and heartbreaking story, Debbie. Anyone who has gone through this experience with a parent or loved one knows that anger is one of the emotions that takes its toll on us: anger, and sadness. Daddy had dementia and Mom had a series of strokes. Can’t remember who it was, but it’s been called “the long good bye.”
I can remember mornings when I’d have to decide: do I want to feel guilty (and not go visit them) or sad and angry (if I did go). No good choices.
We lost more and more of them as time wore on, and at the end for each of them, the “long good bye” was done. My prayers are with you and your family, and I hope that you find the strength to continue to care for your mother. She is very lucky to have a daughter such as you.
P.S. Filet-o-fish is MY favorite, too!
Oh Sharon. I can barely type my response to you because my eyes are full of tears and I can barely see. I have often wondered why some people linger in their old age and why they don’t just pass. My mother’s quality of life is deteriorating and I hate so much to see her struggling. But the answer that comes to me is that sometimes they don’t stay on this earth for themselves, but they stay on this earth because other people have some lessons to learn as they give care to them. I would have to say that I have learned more about myself than at any other time thus far. Why do life lessons have to be so hard?! lol
And the next time we eat a Filet-o-Fish, I am going to think of you. Thank you SO much for your comment!
Hugs,
Deb
I am so sorry you are having to go through this with your mom and so sad that she is going through this too. My husbands wonderful, loving, very intelligent mom died of complications of Alzheimers(Dementia) in 2005. For the last 10 yrs of her life we watched her go from a very capable, beautiful lady to someone who was very scared and fearful. She had no interests, would sleep most of the day and when awake would ask, Why am I still here? It started with making lists incessantly trying to remind her of the activities of daily life which before were just habit. So many things you mentioned brought back memories. When she finally died after a head injury from a fall(she would forget to use the walker) it was sad but also a relief. What did help us through those long 10 years was to take her to a psychiatric gerontologist who was able to prescribe the right medicines to curb her anxiety and take away some of the psychosis that comes with this disease. If you haven’t read “The 24 hr day”this may help. We were unable to have her live with us tis the end and in her case, she lived at a very caring ALF with Hospice care. She never wanted to live in a skilled nursing home and we didn’t want this either. We were fortunate that the ALF she lived in agreed to keep her there for the remainder of her life with Hospice assistance. (I was a previous Hospice nurse and that helped. I hope she is able to remain with you as her disease progresses. Whether she lives with you or an ALF or SNF please get involved with Hospice. There is so much they can do and also offer support and services to you. I hope you are able to find joy amidst the heartache, You will never regret this time with her. She will feel your love even if she cannot respond appropriately. You both are in my heart.
Katie, Thank you SO much for commenting. It has already helped me immensely. I have thought about getting some kind of medication to help her with her anxiety. And as soon as I finish typing this I am going to find “The 24 hr day” so I can read it. One of the greatest things about the internet is to be able to instantly connect with people who are experiencing the same thing as you. We would like to keep her with us for as long as we can but are also very realistic knowing this may not be possible until the very end but we will take this day by day. And I will also learn about what hospice services are available in our area. Again thank you so much for sharing this info. I appreciate it more than you know. Hugs, Deb
God bless you. My Mom lives with my sister and watching how she has changed does break your heart. It is a horrible disease.
Debi, thanks so much. Sounds like you are experiencing a similar thing with your mother. My best wishes to you and your sister as you care for your mom. Give her a hug for me. Deb
My mom has COPD and her memory is failing now as well. We had a visit with a palliative care dr today and it was a great help. Palliative care is the kind of care you want/need before hospice becomes necessary. You might want to look into that because they can help with the anxiety greatly. When my mom can’t “catch her breath” I can see the panic come across her face. The doctor that we met with today has prescribed something to ease that panic. Your post touched me in so many ways. While my mom still lives on her own I know the time is coming when she will have to be with us or “somewhere”. Luckily I only live 3 miles from my mom, so when she doesn’t answer her phone I jump in my car and check on her. It’s amazing how many horrible thoughts can go through your mind in 3 miles. I try so so hard not to get frustrated with her when it seems like she isn’t listening to me and I try to remember she just doesn’t remember me telling her this or that… I feel like I waste so much of my time lecturing her. I too hear her say, dumb dumb dumb, or how stupid can I be… today when putting on her seatbelt she said “when did I become so useless?” This is a woman who has been a widow for almost 30 years and done everything for herself. She is far from dumb, or stupid and definitely not useless. My mom has been my best friend for so many years, one of my only friends and I watch her slipping away before my eyes and I’m angry. Today she admitted to the doctor that she wished she could just walk a little too far and not “catch her breath” so she could just be done. I’ve heard her say it before but today it broke my heart. I miss my mom, my old mom. I love my mom and I wish I could do more for her. My sister is flying into town to take my mom with her to her home for three weeks. I should be happy to have the break but I’m overly worried I won’t be able to be there for her. I protect her in ways…. I’m sorry you are losing your mom… I wish getting older didn’t have to be so heartbreaking. I’m sending you love and strength. ♥
Hi Amy! I am SO glad that you took the time to write your comment. Since reading it, I have researched Palliative Care and we have a doctors appointment coming up for her and I am going to ask about this. Bless you for sharing. I miss my old mom too. Sending my best thoughts and prayers as we both learn how to be caregivers. Deb